Ladies, You Don't Know What You Are Missing Out On

A Personal Touch By JB McGrath
Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on. Here I am 6 foot five. Okay, maybe just 6 foot. But I am hot.

I have legs. Legs that go from my pert buttocks, all the way to the ground. My arms start at my shoulders and go down, right down and dirty, to my hands – hands that long to hold you. I have hips, I have viscera, I have organs. And like all hot men, I have a (well you know what) that is in all the right place. I am hot.

Look at my head (yes, I have a head too – it just gets better!), with a face on it that will make you smile, just as I am smiling now, thinking of you smiling at my smile. I have eyes that look into your soul and nose that knows that you smell so good. Mmmhmmm. That’s good. Hey! Look at my ears, aren’t they great ears! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

Above my face is something I like to call hair. I know you call it hair. Everyone has hair, except for those bald people. I am not bald. But unlike everyone that has hair, I have something no-one else does – and that is that it is my hair. No-one else’s, but mine. Woman, I am hot.

I look after my body well. You would appreciate it if you took the time to get to know me.

I have skin care creams, because I don’t want to look like I age – beware the seven signs of ageing! And I have only three bottles of hair product, because I am a minimalist – I am so cool! Minimalism is cool because it means you don’t care so much about money, because that is so capitalist. Dig? You will love me if you get to know me. Some people say creams and hair product are for women, but I am a man, if you know what I mean, and I like to look good, so why shouldn’t I?

I also work out at the gym. I pump hard while the music pumps harder. Dance. Feel my biceps. They feel good. Do you like them? Come over and see how strong my abs are. Hit me! I can take it! If you don’t want to come near me, you won’t know what you are missing out on. I could crack walnuts between the cheeks of my buttocks, that’s how strong my glutes are. Lovely….

I can cook you any meal that you like, so long as it’s out of this recipe book here. Let’s see, mmmhmmm. Are you a vegetarian? If so, that’s cool. Leftist chicks are hot. You’re hot. So am I. Come and get some. Food that is. Vegan, of course.

We could talk about all sorts of things. Film? You like film? Cool. We could talk about Michael Moore, or Kill Bill or some Iranian director no-one else has heard of and be real cool. How cool is that? You like music? So do I. I like all sorts and I read about them in really cool street mags like Rave and that sort of thing. I listen to Triple J. Do you? That’s all right if you don’t, music isn’t important, so long as you vote for the Greens. Yeah, I am a man with broad views. You talk to me, you will find I am witty, serious and philosophical – you gotta love Nietzsche! He was one heavy dude! And so am I, but more light hearted. And hot.

Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

Editor's Note: If anyone, especially the "ladies" of the title, would like to write a reply, please leave your intentions to do so in the comments or email me if you know the address. It will be published later.
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JB McGrath writes the “A Personal Touch” column for Wit and is fast becoming known as a former friend and associate. He is one of the more prolific writers for Wit and his other pieces include Remembering Young Love and the Joy It Brought and Noam Chomsky's Arse.