National Day of Action Movies Warns Against Death of Macho Man

By Jethro Jake

RALLIES for the National Day of Action Movies were held across Australia today to protest against the death of “hegemonic masculinity” and watch action movies.

National Day of Action Movies organiser John “F*ck-You” Smith, said thousands of men gathered in each capital city and some other places to celebrate power, control and aggression of the “true, pure and superior” form of male.

“We have men from all backgrounds,” said Mr Smith, who by day is a Brisbane businessman, by night a sports fan. “We have businessmen in suits, tradesmen, gym junkies, men from all religions and ethnicities. Even unemployed bastards who sit on the couch all day, throwing beercans, that have been handed to them by their wives, at the TV. I love those f*ckin’ buggers.”

Mr Smith said all of the men who had gathered around the country were concerned about men’s rights and were concerned about the growing number of women in positions of power.

“They’re bloody feminists – ball cutters – and that’s their right, even if it’s biologically wrong,” he said. “And there’s these other blokes who are a bit wimpy and might be a bit “you know”, but we are masculinists and we’re going to take things back into our rightful hands. Men are superior in strength and intelligence. It’s the truth, scientifically proven. That’s why we are watching these movies.”

The protesters watched Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, several John Wayne movies, Rambo with Sylvester Stallone and Patrick Swayze in Road House.

“I guess you could say we have a sensitive side, and that’s obvious with our choice of Road House,” said Mr Smith. “We want to show we are not all about aggression… he does tai chi in [Road House] you see.”

Mr Smith said the men protesting today had the full support of their wives and girlfriends but unfortunately they were unable to attend.

“Someone has to look after the kids and cook the meals,” he said, before slapping the Wit photographer on the back in a very heterosexual matey way. “Good onya mate, have a beer, ya bastard.”
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Jethro Jake is a regular for Wit. If you like his stories, have a look on this blog and see some more.

Masochist To Face Backlash Tonight

By Terri M Su
MASOCHIST Jane Smith faces a backlash tonight when she and husband Bob send the kids away for a cosy night in. Mr Smith, a sadist, said they were the perfect partners.

“She takes and I give,” he said.

While it seems as though only a contortionist could face a backlash, Mrs Smith said all you had to do was maintain a high level of flexibility.

“Besides, I like to watch,” she said. “And mirrors are so expensive these days.”

The writer of this article admitted she “pretty much ran out of jokes” after she completed the headline.

However, she said she continued to write in order to fill up more room and come close to the amount that other reporters had written on Wit.

“We are dealing with a situation whereby I couldn't be bothered to come up with a full story,” she said. “But we have space to fill – that’s the way it goes, I guess. I promise next time I will try harder and create a headline with more possibilities of enterprise.”
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Terri M Su is a new writer and will only write if she gets more coffee. But she works from home so I have never met her. I suspect she is actually Jethro Jake, because she has the same phone number and the same voice only in falsetto. Terri was sacked before the end of publication but was reinstated at the paper later that day after threatening to tell Media Watch everything. Here is one of Jethro Jake's recent stories: We Must Breed More Elephants To Keep The Superior Race From Dying Out.