We Must Breed More Elephants To Keep The Superior Race From Dying Out
By Jethro Jake
THE WORLD must take part in substantial elephant migration and breeding programs in order to sustain the lineage of the planet’s most superior living being, according to elephant academic Dr Jumbo Treebanger.
Dr Treebanger said the elephant was quite obviously the most superior because of its enormous skull size, at the same time discounting larger animals such as whales.
“They can’t even come on land without dying,” scoffed Dr Treebanger. “And they certainly can’t knock trees over with their glorious tusks, because they don’t have any.”
The controversial elephant academic, an anthropologist at the University of Brisbane, made the announcement at the launch of his new book Grey Matters: Why We Must End Elephanticide.
“For too long governments have let African poachers and western ivory buyers take advantage of our peaceful nature and get away, literally, with murder,” Dr Treebanger said at the launch, struggling to be heard over the guest band playing an unabridged version of Fleetwood Mac’s album Tusk. “Ivory is more important to these people than our obvious superior intellect. I say obvious, because our cranial capacity is much larger than any other land animal.”
Dr Treebanger, trumpeting loudly in excitement, said every government must open its doors “wide, very wide, as wide as they can” to allow elephant immigration.
“The minds of elephants are massive, we can bring good to the world,” Dr Treebanger said. “Humans are good for some things, like killing, screwing and stuffing up the environment – crime in general. But let’s face it, their heads are so small, they would combust if they knew how much there was to know in the world.
“That’s why I encourage all elephants to start packing their trunks for immigration – I know when people read my book they will see the sense I am making.”
Dr Treebanger said this “sense” was not him being speciesist, as his critics have accused, but claimed it was “animal realism”.
“This is all based on scientific fact,” he said. “How big is your head [referring to a journalist]? How big is mine? Case closed.”
However, he said the biggest problem facing elephants was their gestation period of two years from conception to birth.
“That’s the price you pay for being intelligent – the smarter you are, the longer the gestation period,” Dr Treebanger said. “The smarter you are, the less children you have, that’s also a scientific fact that varies seldom.
“With the help of human governments, I wish to set up extensive breeding programs – but only between elephants. This is because our existence, and the existence of this planet, remains in the realisation of a pure breed of elephant. We must not tamper with this superior form of being.”
Dr Treebanger will be speaking at an animal rights rally at the Alma Park Zoo on Tuesday at 11am.
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Jethro Jake is a passionate fool when it comes to all things grey, big and tusky. Other Wit articles include Soft Seller Accused of Tainted Love and Rich To Become Poor In A Plan For Happiness. There will be more links there for other Jethro Jake articles.
THE WORLD must take part in substantial elephant migration and breeding programs in order to sustain the lineage of the planet’s most superior living being, according to elephant academic Dr Jumbo Treebanger.
Dr Treebanger said the elephant was quite obviously the most superior because of its enormous skull size, at the same time discounting larger animals such as whales.
“They can’t even come on land without dying,” scoffed Dr Treebanger. “And they certainly can’t knock trees over with their glorious tusks, because they don’t have any.”
The controversial elephant academic, an anthropologist at the University of Brisbane, made the announcement at the launch of his new book Grey Matters: Why We Must End Elephanticide.
“For too long governments have let African poachers and western ivory buyers take advantage of our peaceful nature and get away, literally, with murder,” Dr Treebanger said at the launch, struggling to be heard over the guest band playing an unabridged version of Fleetwood Mac’s album Tusk. “Ivory is more important to these people than our obvious superior intellect. I say obvious, because our cranial capacity is much larger than any other land animal.”
Dr Treebanger, trumpeting loudly in excitement, said every government must open its doors “wide, very wide, as wide as they can” to allow elephant immigration.
“The minds of elephants are massive, we can bring good to the world,” Dr Treebanger said. “Humans are good for some things, like killing, screwing and stuffing up the environment – crime in general. But let’s face it, their heads are so small, they would combust if they knew how much there was to know in the world.
“That’s why I encourage all elephants to start packing their trunks for immigration – I know when people read my book they will see the sense I am making.”
Dr Treebanger said this “sense” was not him being speciesist, as his critics have accused, but claimed it was “animal realism”.
“This is all based on scientific fact,” he said. “How big is your head [referring to a journalist]? How big is mine? Case closed.”
However, he said the biggest problem facing elephants was their gestation period of two years from conception to birth.
“That’s the price you pay for being intelligent – the smarter you are, the longer the gestation period,” Dr Treebanger said. “The smarter you are, the less children you have, that’s also a scientific fact that varies seldom.
“With the help of human governments, I wish to set up extensive breeding programs – but only between elephants. This is because our existence, and the existence of this planet, remains in the realisation of a pure breed of elephant. We must not tamper with this superior form of being.”
Dr Treebanger will be speaking at an animal rights rally at the Alma Park Zoo on Tuesday at 11am.
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Jethro Jake is a passionate fool when it comes to all things grey, big and tusky. Other Wit articles include Soft Seller Accused of Tainted Love and Rich To Become Poor In A Plan For Happiness. There will be more links there for other Jethro Jake articles.
posted by Lord Beavish at 8:34 pm
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