Stoners Pack Bags For Iran At News Of Nuclear Bong

By Jethro Jake
HIPPIES and stoners have started packing their bags at the news that Iran is preparing to create a nuclear bong.

The newly formed Iranian government has recently started a nuclear enrichment program which many western governments fear could lead to a nuclear bong program.

However, groups such as Help End Marijuana Prohibition (HEMP) and Stoners and Dudes (SAD) have said "totally, like awesome" and planned to leave the joint and hit the road for Iran.

"A nuclear bong, is like, what we want, man, that's way cool," said Robert Johns, a HEMP life member and Deadhead. "I am totally going to....Iran. That's so cool. I am going to be the Ayatollah of rock-n-rollah, like Mario Van Peebles. I have so loaded all my Grateful Dead songs on my ipod, and I am ready for nuclear bong - wow!"

When questioned about America's own supply of nuclear bongs, President George Bush tried to avoid the question, before admitting that while the USA had nuclear bongs, he no longer inhaled, after being saved by the Good Lord.

"Now I do holy things in God's word," he said. "Let's roll!"

Christian Porn Industry To Lure People Back To Church

By Terri Ma Su
YOU'VE probably heard of Christian golf balls, Christian schools, God Is Great paper weights and the Jesus diet - now the Christian porn movie industry is one of the biggest moneyspinners in the world of Jesus.

Christian porn film producer, Rick Shawn, said in a world where secularism is the main religion, many people believed Christians were prudes.

"But that simply is not true," he said. "Christians have sex all the time, really good sex too. It's just that they have it within the confines of a healthy, married relationship. My wife and I are like rabbits and have eight children to prove it - but we are married so it is okay."

Mr Shawn said he and other Christian porn film-makers were trying to spread the word of Jesus through their films, by embedding their Christian ideologies and morals into the porn films.

"We know the world is obsessed by sex," he said. "But we believe we can teach the word of Jesus to those people who might not normally hear it."

He said statistics show many people who watch porn are not normally believers and the porn movies were a form of evangelisation.

"Our storylines are based around moral issues, such as 'should I give my money to the poor or should I leave it because they are going to inherit the earth anyway?' "He said. "We also disprove the myth about camels and needles. And then the actors get it on, sweaty and steamy and in all kinds of sexy ways."

There are also important messages about abstinence before marriage and avoiding the use of contraceptives, which is frowned upon by most Christian churches.

Mr Shawn said before moral rights campaigners object, all the actors that have sex in the film are in healthy, Christian marriages with each other.

"We're not perverts," he said. "We wouldn't make unmarried actors have sex on film, that's against the word of God. My message to [moral rights campaigners] is that we're on your side - we're preaching too, just through porn."

Gay porn was definitely not on the menu as well.

"The eyes of the Lord are watching us, and gay marriage is a serious moral issue facing Christians today," he said. "I do not approve of gay marriage, therefore I cannot prove of gay sex. That's disgusting, anyway."

Popular Christian movies such as Last Tango Between A Married Couple In Paris, The Wild One And His Wife, Chinese ghost porn spoof Christian Sex Movie, and the shipping-disaster-Christian-sex movie Titanic Orgasm From My Husband.

The first official Christian porn movie, the war-related Full Marital Jacket was released on DVD in late 2005 and has since made "shedloads" according to Mr Shawn.

One innovation which has since been copied by a number of filmmakers, is the choose-your-own adventure section of the films in which viewers have a choice from a menu of what should happen next.

"Should they have full marital Christian sex in the bathroom, the kitchen or the bedroom?" said Mr Shaw. "The viewer is given a choice and I think that is one of our best inventions."
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Terri Ma Su is a very bad person and shall be severely reprimanded very soon. She is also the person we blame whenever we get complaints and this is her only previous article for Wit - Masochist To Face Backlash Tonight. Terri would like to point out that Christian porn is not as far fetched as it sounds. Just do a search and see for yourself.