Cricket Selectors Tell Invincible His Time May Yet Come

By Sports Reporter Patrick Stevedore
AUSTRALIAN cricket's oldest surviving test player, Bill Brown, believes age is no barrier when it comes to representing your country.

The veteran, who turned 93 on July 31, announced today Cricket Australia selectors have not ruled him out of making a return to the test fold.

"I have been waiting some 57 years to prove that I wasn't finished," Brown said. "Now, it looks like the door is still open."

Brown said that it was his extensive experience that impressed the selectors the most, and he scoffed at suggestions that Cricket Australia was living in the past.

"I don't agree that the side is too old," he said. "I may be 93 this year, but I still average 46 at test level, have scored a double century, and won every Test when I captained."

The current Australian side playing England has only four players in its XII under the age of 30, prompting calls that the side was too old and in decline. However, former selector Allan Border has said in today's game players are not fully prepared for test cricket until they are 28 or 29.

"The body has matured by then, but the mind hasn't, and a lot of test cricket is about the mind games you play," Border said. "In Bill's (Brown) case, he is definitely matured and has been at that level before, so he would ease right back into the game if selected. He's certainly in the mix."

Border also said he resigned from his post as Australian test selector in May, to allow more time for him to impress the selectors with his form.

Brown admitted he had concerns over who would eventually replace Hayden and Langer when they moved on.

"There are good opening batsmen out there, but they lack experience," he said. "And I knew Bradman personally."

Brown scored 24 and 32 in his last test at Lords in 1948, before being dropped for Sam Loxton in the Manchester test.

"They didn't like Queenslanders doing well. I think things have changed and I am ready for the call-up" he said.

There has been some speculation that the test selectors' comment to Brown "your time will come" actually referred to his imminent death.

When asked about this, Brown said, "I didn't think of that. Maybe they still don't like Queenslanders."
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Patrick Stevedore "lives" in Brisbane with his two wives and three shelves of Wisdens and "writes" for numerous things in addition to Wit. He was last "seen" at a newsagent in Paddington "with" a copy of Mojo magazine and Trucker's Anonymous. Please contact his family if "you" see him "again".

Young Griffith Man Uses Hair Gel

By Jethro Jake
GRIFFITH, NSW: Young Griffith man Danny Zucci chose to use hair gel when he went out to a local pub last week.

“I like to make myself look good,” Mr Zucci said. “Chicks really dig hair gel – I spoke to some of them and they said I was looking sweet, eh? I said, ‘Hey, how you doing?’ and they said ‘Hey big fella’.”

Mr Zucci, 19, said he wore a tight mesh shirt and black Levi jeans that “looked like they were painted on”.

“I was hot,” Mr Zucci said.

Mr Zucci said he decided not to shave before he left, for that “whatever” look and then applied some expensive aftershave. The last thing he did before he left at 7pm was apply the hair gel.

“I really wanted to go to the toilet as well but my jeans were too tight,” Mr Zucci said.

He then drove his HQ Monaro to Griffith’s main street, Banna Avenue, where he met up with his mates “Big” Dave Thompson, John “Smithy” Smith and Paulie “Pauly” Forini.

“We met in the Banna Avenue in the car park are and hung out for a while,” Mr Zucci said. “Later we did laps on Banna Avenue, we beeped our horns loudly. It was pretty cool, we listened to Eminem.”

At about 8.30pm, Mr Thompson and Mr Forini accompanied Mr Zucci to local pub The Griff, for a night of partying to some “fat beats, that’s fat with a PH”.

“It was pretty packed and there were some babes there,” said Mr Thompson. “Danny was getting it on. He’s quite popular with the ladies and his hair gel really made him stand out from all the other guys with hair gel.”

Mr Zucci and his friends drank vodka cruisers while they chatted up some of the local young women and one German exchange student named Miriam.

“Many people think vodka cruisers are for gays but I quite like them,” Mr Zucci said. “Also, my grandmother was Russian.”

One of the young local women, Christina Correll, said she thought Mr Zucci was a very nice young man indeed.

“I thought he was gay at first but then I realised he was just sensitive,” she said. “He really understood my needs. Plus hair gel makes him look pretty hot.”

The trio of young men partied until 1am before returning to the car only to find Mr Smith had crashed it after a hand brake was released while talking to a young female friend.

“At least the hand mirror in the glove box wasn’t broken,” Mr Zucci said, before adding quickly that “otherwise it would’ve been bad luck”.

Mr Zucci said he thoroughly enjoyed the night and he would “definitely use hair gel again.”
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Jethro Jake is a Brisbane writer and former journalist. He wishes other people would contribute to this site and his other Wit articles include "Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop" and "AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical."

AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical

By Jethro Jake
IN A new change, rock band AC/DC’s new album features blues riffs mixed with Eastern philosophy and the Kama Sutra.

The album, For Those About To Meditate We Salute You, features reworked AC/DC songs such as “Good Deeds Done Cheap”, “Highway To Enlightenment”, “You Chakra-ed All Night Long” and the classic “Chanting Mantras Ain’t Noise Pollution”.

“We always sung about sex, booze and good times, now we’re about tantric sex, calm thoughts and vegetarian meals,” said guitarist Angus Young.

He said the band embraced eastern philosophy after receiving thoughts “from beyond, outta’ this world” while watching Mario Van Peebles declare himself the “Ayatollah of Rock ‘n’ Rollah” in the Clint Eastwood movie Heartbreak Ridge.

“We were pretty loaded at the time,” Mr Young admitted. “But that’s changed now – we’re all clean.”

The band claims it channelled the spirit of former leader singer, the late Bon Scott, in all night meditation sessions.

“Yeah, he told us we were centring the free energy of mystical yo-yo freebasing,” said Mr Young.“We had no f**king idea what he was talking about but it was a big head rush and we were high for ages.”
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Jethro Jake is a Brisbane writer and former journalist. He likes bad taste cloaks and smacking himself on the bottom. Other Wit articles include "Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop" from July 23, 2005.

Noam Chomsky's Arse

A Personal Touch by JB McGrath
With all this reaction to the Iraq War and the London bombings, people seem to have forgotten one important thing … No-one really cares.

Yes, that’s right. People are still doing the same things as they were before, it’s just that the name Michael Moore is dropped into more conversations. Just the other day, an acquaintance spoke to me about the movies she was planning to see on DVD – Shrek 2, Troy, the latest Ashton Kutcher movie and Farenheit 9/11. “I’ve heard it's really cool,” she said. “He like, Michael Moore, the director, like, really riffs on George Bush. It’s cool.”

But you know she’s still sleeping with two different men. Sometimes, I think, at the same time. I know, even after all that stuff from the Islamic fundamentalists about the immoral West.

And at a party the other night, a group of us were standing around, quoting how many Oliver Stone movies we had misunderstood when the talk got around, as it does, to Michael Moore. “He really knows his stuff,” said one bloke, who earlier revealed he scored an ounce off a guy behind the bar at the RE, a totally wicked occurrence, apparently. “He totally blew the lid off the whole 9/11 thing.” “Yeah, if you like him,” I said. “You should read Chomsky.”

“Chomsky my arse,” said someone who I will call Richard, although that is not his real name (his real name is Rick). That seemed to be a statement of profundity and hilarity because we all then raised our stubbies to Chomsky’s arse and roared heartily.

“Yeah,” said the first bloke, with his arm around the host’s sister, who was a little tipsy. “I bet Chomsky never went to Bali.”

“Yeah,” everyone agreed.

“But then that’s full of poor people trying to make a dollar by prostituting themselves and their culture for some horny westerners who don’t mind turning a paradise into a rubbish tip,” said Robert, who votes for the Greens. Robert was in the pool less than a minute later. I felt sorry for him so I fished him out and slapped him until he came to and coughed up some water. We all laughed at him but in a head-shaking way, as though we really did feel sorry for him, a man who couldn’t help himself.

Later we got high and a girl from Ascot was chatting me up. “Get lost, you fascist scum,” I said and everyone laughed at her. “Go and watch some Michael Moore, maybe you will learn something, you old tart.” I slapped her on the butt and she walked out of the room, pausing only to throw a bottle at me.

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.
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JB McGrath is a fundamentalist reformist and is fluent in Espresso. He works in contemporary sociology and thinks he is being witty when mocking Big Brother.

Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop

By Jethro Jake
IT was literally love at first sight for Charity Panini and Justin Wright, according to the Brisbane News.

They fell in love three minutes after meeting and moved in together an hour later.

“I’m just so happy with him,” Charity told the Brisbane News a week later. "He’s my soul mate. We have ice creams together and he is such a good listener.”

The meeting occurred when Charity, owner of Superficial Chix Hair Design at the West End, went to Justin’s Paddington restaurant, La Bella Figura. After tasting a recipe Justin cooked, Charity requested to see the cook and the rest is history.

Charity and Justin said they wouldn’t get married because “it costs too much”. “And as for the divorce, well that costs even more,” said Justin. "This way we can make a commitment without really making a commitment.”

The two outline the history of their relationship in 20 excruciating paragraphs that made several inner-city Brisbane News readers throw up their skinnycinos. One reader laughed so hard, he had to get a new nose job. The reader, Jonno Jones, said “it was worth it because I like to look my best and why shouldn’t I?”

Brisbane News spokesperson John Brummer said it was an unusual response to the article.

“I think people, especially yuppies, love to read about how hairdressers and cooks get together,” he said. “I think it really makes their day knowing that, no matter how dull and pointless their lives are, they could be worse.”
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Jethro Jake is a Brisbane writer and former journalist. He likes bad taste cloaks and smacking himself on the bottom.