The Writers - Barrington Veneer, Part 1
"The Writers" is a series of interviews with some of Brisbane's more critically and commercially successful authors, screenwriters and poets. The first is spy/thriller novelist Barrington Veneer.
By Rosemary Thyme
Barrington Veneer is one of the country’s most successful writers. History history and funny funny. Blah blah worked at Qintex etc and how he started writing after a career change when he was sacked in 1995. With a lifelong interest in the philosophy of sex, guns and espionage, Barrington decided to write about all three. He has now written five bestselling books, starting with Penetration of the White House in 1996 and last year’s Innuendo’s Mistress.
I find him as he is, sitting in his clothes in a room, not unlike the one I am sitting in now, writing as I am and mixing my tenses up. Except it was across the other side of town in a completely different office, namely because it was much more expensively decked out in stylish but ultimately tasteless bric-a-brac, and knick knacks with things stolen from such diverse elements as French aristocracy and the Kath and Kim set after a boozy night out. It was all very post-modern.
I was let in to his office by Maude Saskia, Barrington’s secretary, who also let me in on a little secret – Barrington had a hangover and was busy dispensing with his second glass of whisky upstairs in his flat, before coming down to join me. He joined me in his office a few minutes later, readjusting his private parts in a way that was meant to suggest that he was a man and knew it, but had the opposite effect on me, whatever that means.
“How are you, me mate?” he said and stuck his large plate of meat to greet mine in a handshake, before then offering his actual hand and eating the plate of meat by way of breakfast.
“A real man, eats meat, if you know what I mean,” he said. I didn’t, but I continued smiling regardless. Barrington sat down in a way that said “let’s get down to business”.
“Now, let’s get down to business,” he said. “We know why you’re here, I’ve done interviews before, so hit me.”
Rosemary: I find it best to start at the beginning.
Barrington: I always start at the start. (Chuckles)
Rosemary: (False smile) Indeed. So how did you start writing.
Barrington: Well, let me just say first of all, writing has been my story since page one…ha, ha. I guess you could say.
The man warmed to his favourite topic and leaned back in his chair. It was the last time he did that. The back snapped off and he went sprawling humourously on the ground. Barrington was not hurt but yelled at Maude, saying things like “stupid” and constantly demanded copulation in vulgar language. He explained to me that he had had problems with the chair since the afternoon before, but that the stupid secretary hadn’t ordered a new one yet.
Barrington: [Have sex with me], what do I [in the process of having sex] pay her for? [In the process of having sex] hell.
He at once, and when I mean at once, I mean after about five minutes of continual swearing and swallowing of painkillers, or about four minutes of swearing and one minute of fishing about the nether regions of his clothes looking for painkillers, before collapsing on the couch and looking at me as if to say, “now, where was I?”
Barrington: Now, what was I saying?
Rosemary: Aaagh… (looking through notes) Writing has been your story since page one.
Barrington laughs for about 30 seconds.
Barrington: Oh yeah, oh yeah. That’s right… (wipes tears from his eyes) Well, it was a life decision really. I decided writing was what I wanted to do.
Rosemary: Was this after you were sacked from Qintex?
Barrington: Well, yes but I would have been a writer anyway. It was in my blood.
Rosemary: There is a family history of writing?
Barrington: Well, my father was Irish. He drove a big sports car.
Rosemary: (Deadpan) Right. Was it difficult getting started?
Barrington: Yeah, you had to pull the choke out all the way, and-
Rosemary: -No, in writing.
Barrington: (Relieved) Oh, I see. No, it’s really very simple. All you need is a few simple things… A pen, a way with a phrase, good ideas, some research skills… and a brain.
Rosemary: Well, you have that.
Barrington: That’s right, yes, you’re very right there. It also helps to be attractive, as most publishers and editors these days are women… (quickly) And there’s nothing wrong with that, I say…Nothing wrong with a bit of skirt with some power.
Rosemary: (False smile) Good.
To be continued soon.
------
Rosemary Thyme is actually two of Wit’s writers, Cory Ander and Jethro Jake. They were, unfortunately, too ashamed to have their names on this work. Also they were worried about getting sued. Sorry, fellas. Their other work is: Cory Ander - Woolworths To Venture Into Public Libraries; and Jethro Jake - Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop, AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical, Young Griffith Man Uses Hair Gel.
By Rosemary Thyme
Barrington Veneer is one of the country’s most successful writers. History history and funny funny. Blah blah worked at Qintex etc and how he started writing after a career change when he was sacked in 1995. With a lifelong interest in the philosophy of sex, guns and espionage, Barrington decided to write about all three. He has now written five bestselling books, starting with Penetration of the White House in 1996 and last year’s Innuendo’s Mistress.
I find him as he is, sitting in his clothes in a room, not unlike the one I am sitting in now, writing as I am and mixing my tenses up. Except it was across the other side of town in a completely different office, namely because it was much more expensively decked out in stylish but ultimately tasteless bric-a-brac, and knick knacks with things stolen from such diverse elements as French aristocracy and the Kath and Kim set after a boozy night out. It was all very post-modern.
I was let in to his office by Maude Saskia, Barrington’s secretary, who also let me in on a little secret – Barrington had a hangover and was busy dispensing with his second glass of whisky upstairs in his flat, before coming down to join me. He joined me in his office a few minutes later, readjusting his private parts in a way that was meant to suggest that he was a man and knew it, but had the opposite effect on me, whatever that means.
“How are you, me mate?” he said and stuck his large plate of meat to greet mine in a handshake, before then offering his actual hand and eating the plate of meat by way of breakfast.
“A real man, eats meat, if you know what I mean,” he said. I didn’t, but I continued smiling regardless. Barrington sat down in a way that said “let’s get down to business”.
“Now, let’s get down to business,” he said. “We know why you’re here, I’ve done interviews before, so hit me.”
Rosemary: I find it best to start at the beginning.
Barrington: I always start at the start. (Chuckles)
Rosemary: (False smile) Indeed. So how did you start writing.
Barrington: Well, let me just say first of all, writing has been my story since page one…ha, ha. I guess you could say.
The man warmed to his favourite topic and leaned back in his chair. It was the last time he did that. The back snapped off and he went sprawling humourously on the ground. Barrington was not hurt but yelled at Maude, saying things like “stupid” and constantly demanded copulation in vulgar language. He explained to me that he had had problems with the chair since the afternoon before, but that the stupid secretary hadn’t ordered a new one yet.
Barrington: [Have sex with me], what do I [in the process of having sex] pay her for? [In the process of having sex] hell.
He at once, and when I mean at once, I mean after about five minutes of continual swearing and swallowing of painkillers, or about four minutes of swearing and one minute of fishing about the nether regions of his clothes looking for painkillers, before collapsing on the couch and looking at me as if to say, “now, where was I?”
Barrington: Now, what was I saying?
Rosemary: Aaagh… (looking through notes) Writing has been your story since page one.
Barrington laughs for about 30 seconds.
Barrington: Oh yeah, oh yeah. That’s right… (wipes tears from his eyes) Well, it was a life decision really. I decided writing was what I wanted to do.
Rosemary: Was this after you were sacked from Qintex?
Barrington: Well, yes but I would have been a writer anyway. It was in my blood.
Rosemary: There is a family history of writing?
Barrington: Well, my father was Irish. He drove a big sports car.
Rosemary: (Deadpan) Right. Was it difficult getting started?
Barrington: Yeah, you had to pull the choke out all the way, and-
Rosemary: -No, in writing.
Barrington: (Relieved) Oh, I see. No, it’s really very simple. All you need is a few simple things… A pen, a way with a phrase, good ideas, some research skills… and a brain.
Rosemary: Well, you have that.
Barrington: That’s right, yes, you’re very right there. It also helps to be attractive, as most publishers and editors these days are women… (quickly) And there’s nothing wrong with that, I say…Nothing wrong with a bit of skirt with some power.
Rosemary: (False smile) Good.
To be continued soon.
------
Rosemary Thyme is actually two of Wit’s writers, Cory Ander and Jethro Jake. They were, unfortunately, too ashamed to have their names on this work. Also they were worried about getting sued. Sorry, fellas. Their other work is: Cory Ander - Woolworths To Venture Into Public Libraries; and Jethro Jake - Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop, AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical, Young Griffith Man Uses Hair Gel.
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