Wife Takes Husband's Trousers In Hostile Takeover

By Social Reporter Jasmine Rice

THE future of Bardon husband Mark Mywortz remains unclear today after his shortcomings were exposed yesterday by Rita, his beloved wife of 22 years,.

Mrs Mywortz took a little over a minute to complete a hostile takeover of her husband's semi-beige trousers in which he was worn since their wedding day. Now with the takeover made public, she has also announced plans to privatise the attire and prepare for its full sell-off.

"There are more things to be done in these pants than what is being achieved when worn by Mark,” Mrs Mywortz said. “Selling them off is an wonderful chance to increase our exposure to a wider community and provide better access to my husband overall. This move has been long overdue, which is why they will be cleaned before the sale."

Her husband expressed his concern over the full sell off of trousers, stating any benefits yielded would only be in the short term.

“It is all well and good selling them off at this point in time,” Mr Mywortz said. “But I'm sure come this time next year, it will be clear that the trousers would be missed because first and foremost, my bottom half would be exposed to stiff competition that it may or may not uphold.”

Mr Mywortz also said that despite the possibility of freezing his kahunas off next winter, he was philosophical about the abrupt changing of the guard.

"It makes good matrimonial sense," he said. "I can understand that it gives me an opportunity to outsource and make a profit. Hopefully, then I can tap into a rising tracksuit market."

However, the move has prompted protest from younger clients who see the sell-off as a renunciation of the agreement signed by Mr and Mrs Mywortz.

"In the beginning, Mum and Dad came together as a joint venture, rather than a merger," said daughter and economics student Eta, 20. "I just see it as Mum imperialistically abusing the resources Dad brought to the venture to attract outside competition to satisfy a factional whim. How can Dad do that without any pants on?"

Ms Mywortz also said she feared the sale would prompt her mother to liquidate larger assets, including her father and herself.

"The process has already begun I feel," she said. "I have already been relocated to a university campus to ease the squeeze on the parental sector. I have no home. No roots. Now this."

"Oh, that is nonsense," Mrs Mywortz said in response to her daughter's remarks. "All that has happened is that her bedroom is now my wine cellar. She needs to go to uni. I have invested a great deal into the move."

However, questions relating to the sell-off's impact on the quality of her services in the bush may have been misinterpreted by the 45-year-old mother of one and wife of one.

"You're disgusting. That is disgusting," she said. "I am not even going to dignify that with a reply."

Meanwhile, Senator Barnaby Joyce wasn't sure which way his pants were on, while former PM Malcolm Fraser was unavailable for comment.

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Jasmine Rice is the newest addition to the Wit team. She smells great and tastes nice but not as nice as she smells. Jasmine likes you.