Fashion Police Set Me Up: Big Bro Host Killeen Over
By Wit Fashion Guru Hugh Ever
TELEVISION "personality" host Gretel Killeen was charged yesterday with attirical atrocities after Sydney fashion investigators found her at the helm of an aesthetical terrorist syndicate.
It is alleged Ms Killeen was the mastermind behind a line of "explosive and dynamic" fashionwear, that was set to hit retail and boutique fashion outlets simultaneously on September 12.
Investigators made contact with the Big Brother host via an online chat session, after allegedly receiving a tip off from former Big Brother contestant, Merlin Luck, famous for his on-air silent protest for detained refugees.
But the 40-50 year old Ms Killeen said she was dismayed at the events that had taken place.
"I can't believe this nonsense," she said. "I am so furious, even though the botox won't let me express this, but I'm not happy."
Killeen's lawyer, Hotman Paris Hutapea told Wit he was confident that his client would be cleared of the allegations.
"I like her clothes. I even borrow some of her stuff from time to time," Hutapea said. "She wears better gear than my other client, what's her name, um, Shirelle Colby…I'm sorry, it's Shirelle Comby. No wonder she tried to sack me."
Sydney fashion police Sergeant Goldie Brown said they had kept a close eye on Killeen over the last six months.
"We really haven't missed a beat with Gretel in our inviestigation this year," he said. "We all really though Tim was a certainty but I suppose you could never write those Bogan twins. It was unbelievable."
"But we had received information from external sources that Ms Killeen was part of a more sinister venture outside the Big Brother program."
Sgt Brown also confirmed he did receive inside information from former housemate Merlin, who said he received a copy of a flyer promoting the launch of Killeen's production line, and was alarmed at what it said.
"I couldn't help but notice what it (the flyer) said," he said. "It said that the clothes were 'explosive' and destined to 'rock your world'. The fashion line was called 'Killer' not to mention Gretel also has 'kill' in her last name. The launch was going to be at a place called Target, which speaks for itself. The flyer also said, that the gear was set to 'fly into shops on September 12, which was the date in Australia when the World Trace Centre went down. It was really frightening."
Despite Merlin's revelations, Sgt Brown said his findings were not definitive in tracing down Killeen.
"We just ignored Merlin," he said. "I don't know what the hell he was on about. We just took heed of about ten thousand complaints about what Ms Killeen was wearing. We will hold her for up to 48 hours without charge, of course, mainly because we can."
Killeen is currently being kept in solitary confinement within the Big Brother house, and is currently assisting police with their wardrobe. The Australian Fashion Intelligence Office (AFIO) have also allegedly included television personalities, Kerri-Anne Kennerley, Tonya Todman and Lavinia Nixon on their asthetical terror list.
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Hugh Ever is Wit's fashion guru and likes to mix that which everyone says to avoid (no, not rum and vodka) - fashion and philosophy. Hugh is currently working on his vaguely researched book [Mis]Representations of the Fashion of the Other.
TELEVISION "personality" host Gretel Killeen was charged yesterday with attirical atrocities after Sydney fashion investigators found her at the helm of an aesthetical terrorist syndicate.
It is alleged Ms Killeen was the mastermind behind a line of "explosive and dynamic" fashionwear, that was set to hit retail and boutique fashion outlets simultaneously on September 12.
Investigators made contact with the Big Brother host via an online chat session, after allegedly receiving a tip off from former Big Brother contestant, Merlin Luck, famous for his on-air silent protest for detained refugees.
But the 40-50 year old Ms Killeen said she was dismayed at the events that had taken place.
"I can't believe this nonsense," she said. "I am so furious, even though the botox won't let me express this, but I'm not happy."
Killeen's lawyer, Hotman Paris Hutapea told Wit he was confident that his client would be cleared of the allegations.
"I like her clothes. I even borrow some of her stuff from time to time," Hutapea said. "She wears better gear than my other client, what's her name, um, Shirelle Colby…I'm sorry, it's Shirelle Comby. No wonder she tried to sack me."
Sydney fashion police Sergeant Goldie Brown said they had kept a close eye on Killeen over the last six months.
"We really haven't missed a beat with Gretel in our inviestigation this year," he said. "We all really though Tim was a certainty but I suppose you could never write those Bogan twins. It was unbelievable."
"But we had received information from external sources that Ms Killeen was part of a more sinister venture outside the Big Brother program."
Sgt Brown also confirmed he did receive inside information from former housemate Merlin, who said he received a copy of a flyer promoting the launch of Killeen's production line, and was alarmed at what it said.
"I couldn't help but notice what it (the flyer) said," he said. "It said that the clothes were 'explosive' and destined to 'rock your world'. The fashion line was called 'Killer' not to mention Gretel also has 'kill' in her last name. The launch was going to be at a place called Target, which speaks for itself. The flyer also said, that the gear was set to 'fly into shops on September 12, which was the date in Australia when the World Trace Centre went down. It was really frightening."
Despite Merlin's revelations, Sgt Brown said his findings were not definitive in tracing down Killeen.
"We just ignored Merlin," he said. "I don't know what the hell he was on about. We just took heed of about ten thousand complaints about what Ms Killeen was wearing. We will hold her for up to 48 hours without charge, of course, mainly because we can."
Killeen is currently being kept in solitary confinement within the Big Brother house, and is currently assisting police with their wardrobe. The Australian Fashion Intelligence Office (AFIO) have also allegedly included television personalities, Kerri-Anne Kennerley, Tonya Todman and Lavinia Nixon on their asthetical terror list.
---------
Hugh Ever is Wit's fashion guru and likes to mix that which everyone says to avoid (no, not rum and vodka) - fashion and philosophy. Hugh is currently working on his vaguely researched book [Mis]Representations of the Fashion of the Other.
posted by Lord Beavish at 3:17 pm
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