Soft Seller Accused of Tainted Love

By Jethro Jake
GENTLE, persuasive advertising representative and celebrity Brisbane socialite for online magazine Wit Jonathon Hair-Raising Experiences has been taken to court by his fiancée, accused of tainting their love.

Mr Hair-Raising Experiences has been sued for breaches of confidence by his ex-fiancée, Jenna Rall.

Ms Rall said she and Jonathon had been love’s young dream – “pure, warm and fresh” - but now she has kicked the bucket on the relationship and taken her former lover to court.

The recent actions at a party by Mr Hair-Raising Experiences left Ms Rall wishing the couple had homogenised their love, but the wedding had been put to pasture several times.

“Our time in the sun went on for too long,” she said. “Now I have a sour taste in my mouth. He has tainted our love, just like the song.”

Ms Rall, a New York resident and heir to a jewellery fortune, met Mr Hair-Raising Experiences when she was on holiday in Australia and mooved here to be closer to him.

At a recent party, she discovered Mr Hair-Raising Experiences had been having a sexual relationship with “an udder woman”.

“I now know who it was, silly old cow, she thinks she’s got the bull by the horns, but the grass is always greener on the other side,” Ms Rall said. “I had begun to suspect he didn’t love me at some stage, and he was just in it for the money – I think he was trying to milk me for all I was worth. Now I’m going to cream that bastard in court.”

Mr Hair-Raising Experiences said he felt “cheesed off” at the court case, but he was not going to let it steer him away from his life goal, which was to get rich.

“It’s a load of bull, the whole thing,” he said. “There is no whey she could win this case. I see it as a cattle-ist to a new life.”

Ms Rall was branded a liar by Mr Hair-Raising Experiences, who said she was going to be in for a rough time.

“It’s going to be rough,” he said. “She’s going to need a strong stomach, perhaps five. She thinks butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but she’s got another thing coming.”

The court case continues in a public trial until the end of National Dairy Week, which starts on Monday.

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This is possibly the silliest thing Jethro Jake has written for Wit. He has already been taken out the back and given a good CENSORED. However, if you would like to see his other recent articles, try clicking on these five random words –obsequious, running, Derrida, Scottish and the. You will notice there is no mention of anyone being "horny" in the article...Apart from there.