I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony
A Personal Touch by JB McGrath
IT seems to me like every day you hear about how some new intolerance or violence is cropping up somewhere across the world. Whether it be over which one of Wet Wet Wet’s albums to listen to; who put the cheese in my gun?; or which one of you Westerners wants to imperialise my othered arse? There’s always someone having a go at another.
Some people say it is because each race considers itself superior to others. Some people say that race doesn’t exist, but cultural differences cause us to misrepresent other cultures through our own essentialising ideas of existence. Some people say we just want power over others. Some people say, get those evil ones out, they are jealous of our freedom and want to spread hatred across our promised land. I say, you are all missing something.
You know what I am waiting for? I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Yeah! That’s right! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.
Think about it. We all come from different climates, different geographical locations, different cultures. We speak different languages, eat different food, have different histories and customs. The differences in our culture are so complex, we just can’t cross that divide to understand each other.
That’s why I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Listen to me, I know what I am talking about! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.
Okay, let’s be serious.
Oppression will be the name of the game. Those aliens, hideous disgusting things with bad manners and drool. Those amoral creatures with natural mullets and ridiculous languages. They will round us up and set us to work gathering sheaves of wheat or spare car parts or treating us like their human sex slaves, making us massage their pustules of love with our bare hands.
They will beat us into submission, making us work harder than before, taking away everything that is meaningful in our lives.
There will be no time or energy for imbibing alcohol, watching plays, smoking joints, uluating or throwing our hands in the air and waving them around like we just don’t care. There will be no place for vanity, for mornings at the hairdresser, for evenings at the gym, for Saturdays at the mall. There will be no music or smiles, or afternoon wiles.
They will force us to take our religions, our beliefs and our cultures underground to be played out in simple games and small conversations in disease infested trenches. We will be stripped of our dignity, our culture, our clothes and our identity.
We will stand naked before each other and we will see ourselves in the faces of our fellow humans. Everything we knew before will have to change. Everything we held dear, everything important to us must be tossed in the sewer pits. Along with the excrement of aliens shall be the relics of humanity.
After thousands of years, we shall have a shared oppression. A shared past. Shared customs, shared dreams. We shall rise as one culture and we shall cast the aliens back into space. Then we can live in harmony.
That’s why I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.
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This is JB McGrath’s first article for Wit since his inspiring Ladies, You Don't Know What You Are Missing Out On, in which he urged the female folk of the world to consider him worthy enough to be CENSORED on his pert, little CENSORED. Since then he spent some time hanging around cafés with his rollneck jumper tied around his shoulders and smoking tiny cigarettes or checking his email inbox for news of imminent seduction. He recently gave up.
IT seems to me like every day you hear about how some new intolerance or violence is cropping up somewhere across the world. Whether it be over which one of Wet Wet Wet’s albums to listen to; who put the cheese in my gun?; or which one of you Westerners wants to imperialise my othered arse? There’s always someone having a go at another.
Some people say it is because each race considers itself superior to others. Some people say that race doesn’t exist, but cultural differences cause us to misrepresent other cultures through our own essentialising ideas of existence. Some people say we just want power over others. Some people say, get those evil ones out, they are jealous of our freedom and want to spread hatred across our promised land. I say, you are all missing something.
You know what I am waiting for? I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Yeah! That’s right! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.
Think about it. We all come from different climates, different geographical locations, different cultures. We speak different languages, eat different food, have different histories and customs. The differences in our culture are so complex, we just can’t cross that divide to understand each other.
That’s why I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Listen to me, I know what I am talking about! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.
Okay, let’s be serious.
Oppression will be the name of the game. Those aliens, hideous disgusting things with bad manners and drool. Those amoral creatures with natural mullets and ridiculous languages. They will round us up and set us to work gathering sheaves of wheat or spare car parts or treating us like their human sex slaves, making us massage their pustules of love with our bare hands.
They will beat us into submission, making us work harder than before, taking away everything that is meaningful in our lives.
There will be no time or energy for imbibing alcohol, watching plays, smoking joints, uluating or throwing our hands in the air and waving them around like we just don’t care. There will be no place for vanity, for mornings at the hairdresser, for evenings at the gym, for Saturdays at the mall. There will be no music or smiles, or afternoon wiles.
They will force us to take our religions, our beliefs and our cultures underground to be played out in simple games and small conversations in disease infested trenches. We will be stripped of our dignity, our culture, our clothes and our identity.
We will stand naked before each other and we will see ourselves in the faces of our fellow humans. Everything we knew before will have to change. Everything we held dear, everything important to us must be tossed in the sewer pits. Along with the excrement of aliens shall be the relics of humanity.
After thousands of years, we shall have a shared oppression. A shared past. Shared customs, shared dreams. We shall rise as one culture and we shall cast the aliens back into space. Then we can live in harmony.
That’s why I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.
-----
This is JB McGrath’s first article for Wit since his inspiring Ladies, You Don't Know What You Are Missing Out On, in which he urged the female folk of the world to consider him worthy enough to be CENSORED on his pert, little CENSORED. Since then he spent some time hanging around cafés with his rollneck jumper tied around his shoulders and smoking tiny cigarettes or checking his email inbox for news of imminent seduction. He recently gave up.
posted by Lord Beavish at 2:23 pm
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