Shifty Appearance? Foreign Looking? Watch out… Australia’s New Terrorism Laws

By Jethro Jake
UNDER new terrorism laws drafted by the Federal Government, Federal Police will be allowed to shoot and kill people of shifty or foreign appearance and then detain them for as long as they bloody well like.

Prime Minister John Howard was going to unveil plans at a doorstop press conference outside Parliament House but after seeing a gentleman of light brown skin in the press corps, plans were changed.

The man was asked to leave, but as the new laws had not been passed, Mr Howard was unable to detain him and instead gave the press conference with armed defence force personnel surrounding him on the HMAS Bang Bang, wearing several layers of kevlar and a foolish grin.

Mr Howard received questions from journalists positioned on a lower deck interacting with the Prime Minister by a video link and surrounded by more armed defence force personnel for "just in case".

“Anyone that looks a bit foreign, we need to detain,” said Mr Howard. “We can’t risk anything at all. It would be best if no-one actually ventured outside of their homes as well, unless they are rich, white and beautiful, like me.”

Mr Howard then peeled off his kevlar, revealing a perfect lily white body, with a muscular figure that left the press corps gasping in astonishment and admiration.

Fortunately Mr Howard put the Kevlar back on but not before one journalist fainted and was carried off by navy medics who said words like “clear”, “stat” and “gee, I’m not gay, but the PM looks hot”.

“We also need to make sure no shifty looking people are on the streets,” Mr Howard said, returning his helmet to his gleaming head. “I don’t want this to be a police state, but… Oh, and also, we don’t any foreigners in our police or armed forces, or... well, anywhere.”

“Basically, if you see a suspicious looking person, we suggest you beat the living infidelities out of them. Do your job as Australians. Be alert, not alarmed, but be bloody well armed.”

Mr Howard said terrorism had to be stopped and while the world’s inhabitants had been killing each other since the start of human existence, the current situation was “more important”.

“Let’s face it, all those other battles you’re talking about were between foreigners and the like, I am not counting the American or English conquests as they were for the good,” Mr Howard said. “Many people don’t understand that when we say ‘foreign’ and ‘terrorists’, we actually mean ‘non-American’ and ‘people who kill Americans and their friends'. You have to have a definition of morality and what’s proper.”

However, Mr Howard said if state governments did not sign an agreement to maintain these proposed laws, he would personally “come round and bust a cap in yo ass”, unless the premiers were shifty of appearance or foreign-looking and then he would stuff them in the slammer, “just to soften them up” and then “come round and bust a cap in yo ass”.

“Man, that will CENSORED them around,” Mr Howard said before adding seriously. “Look, it’s like this…they – I mean foreign people – undermine our way of life, by showing there’s another possible way and by refusing to give in to our obvious dominance.”

“You know some of them even think they know better than us. And they look so funny with their funny clothes and strange accents, you have to laugh ha, ha – some of them don’t even speak English... But I like their food. Mmm. Yum.”

When asked if the Prime Minister knew of Emmanuel Levinas’ philosophies on representation of “the other” or of the “unknowable”, he answered confidently and assuredly.

“I know he was a Jew,” said the PM and laughed uproariously, before ordering the arrest of a journalist with a funny accent, who had been annoying him with her obvious otherness earlier in the press conference.

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Jethro Jake is an angry young man. He thinks he is a left-wing liberal. He is also very silly – see Soft Seller Accused of Tainted Love and follow the links at the bottom for more Wit articles.