Rich To Become Poor In A Plan For Happiness

By Jethro Jake
RICH people rejoice, your monetary woes could soon be over.

If the Federal Government takes heed of a report and plan by University of Brisbane sociology professor Dr Jane Burkley - the Fiscal Discrimination Act - rich people will soon be relieved of their money and their stress.

This means they will be free and happy like the poor people.

Rich = Unhappiness
“Research has found that 90 per cent of the rich work long hours, have stressful jobs and travel a great deal,” Dr Burkley said. “This puts a strain on their family relationships and because they are away from the home so often, have to resort to extramarital sex to make themselves feel human and quench that human desire. As do their partners. This often leads to divorce and more unhappiness.”

Dr Burkley said the children of the rich, if they had any, would then be subject to the normal unhappiness that divorce could bring.

In addition to this, the report has found that rich people find it difficult to visit all their houses, only get time to drive one of the Mercedes models regularly and sometimes are only able to get on the yacht every second week.

“This tension builds up – what if I have all these consumer goods to show my worth and I don’t have time to show them off?” Dr Burkley said. “They have to find new ways of spending money, like mobile phones with that annoying frog.”

Dr Burkley said many rich people were criticised for having too much money, but they are actually doing it tough.

“There’s the general criticism of the rich, that they are just conniving money grabbers,” she said. “But there should be some sympathy. Why do you think [billionaire] Kerry Packer is so obnoxious? It is because he is so unhappy. Why is he unhappy? Because he is so rich.”

De-Stress The Rich
Dr Burkley said the best way to de-stress the rich was to relieve them of their money and therefore take away some of their responsibilities. She said the Fiscal Discrimination Act was “designed to free rich people from their wealth and the pressures that they provide.”

“Everyone is always complaining about how hard it is when you’re at the top,” Dr Burkley said. “This will help people out. Stress levels will decrease because you won’t have to worry about keeping much of your money because you know you won’t need it.”

Having less money has many other benefits, according to Dr Burkley.

“Gone is the guilt one has that you have a pink bathroom and a mahogany watch in your European cars while poor people have to eat their own filth to stay alive,” said Dr Burkley. “Gone also are the numerous parties where you have to be obsequious to boring people to increase your business chances. There’s no need to go to the gym if you are poor and you can eat whatever you want in front of the telly.”

One of the main benefits of being poor is a decrease in healthy lifestyle.

“But knowing you are not going to live very long means you might be able to live each day more fully,” Dr Burkley. “You will no longer have to shop at expensive stores trying to get that impoverished bohemian look, because you will already be impoverished.”

The Federal Government Cautiously Approves
Federal Treasurer Peter Costello said while it sounded like a good idea, the government would have to investigate the report fully.

“However, I envy the poor, they have so much fun,” Mr Costello said. “Just look at that Patrick Swayze movie, City of Joy; those poor people of India were so happy.”

Mr Costello said the Federal Government had already made moves along these lines.

“We’ve been promoting people to become less financially well off for years and with the industrial relations law changes, this will happen more frequently,” Mr Costello said. “Look at Iraq, the government knows that if it can help reduce all those peoples’ houses to rubble and help families lose loved ones and valuable assets in terms of bringing home food and money, the country will be better off because they will live a poorer lifestyle and therefore a much happier and more fulfilling lifestyle.”

Mr Costello said thanks to the USA and its allies, Iraq was a country full of promise.

“They are so poor, and therefore so happy, I am thinking of becoming an Iraqi citizen,” he laughed. “At least I wouldn’t have to worry about money!”
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Jethro Jake is one of the regular news reporters for Wit, because he uses Metamucil. Other Jethro articles include PM Proud To Be Associated With "Woody" Wilson and AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical.

Bank Held Up In Carindale

By Financial Reporter Corey Ander
POLICE are still searching for a middle aged man responsible for the hold up of a bank at Carindale yesterday.

It is alleged the man aged between 35-55, entered the Suncorp Metway branch at Westfield Carindale on Thursday morning and demanded to speak to the manager.

When a staff member informed the man that the manager was unavailable, he allegedly turned on one of the tellers and began to complain bitterly and demanded answers.

It was only when another teller fled to the staff room that police were contacted.

A witness of the hold up, who wished to remain anonymous, told Wit the man was out of control.

"He just wouldn't stop whinging," Jenny Blackmore of Carina said. "He just went on and on and on, cursing everything about the bank and its services. The man started saying people would die before they were served again and that none of the pens worked. He was just went off."

Another witness, Anthony Mitchell of Coorparoo, who also wished to remain anonymous said the hold up lasted for up to an hour.

"Things were getting a bit hairy after ten minutes or so," he said. "Because there was only one teller on, he let fly at her, wanting all sorts of things otherwise he said he would take things further. Nobody wanted that."

Among his demands were the scrapping of telephone banking, better quality of in-house pens and chain supplements, as well as a number of brochures on home and life insurance. The brochures were handed over to the man without delay.

"We all thought the hold up would end quickly, and that's why none of us did anything," Mr Mitchell said. "We thought it would pass. But after nearly an hour or so, the line up was out the door, and people started to get cranky. One person was in tears [of boredom]."

The man, wearing a black cardigan and creme trousers, fled on foot with the brochures, a transaction book and an apology from the teller. Police believed he was heading to Carina RSL.

Branch manager, Nick Emmerson, said hold-ups of this kind were regrettable and bad for all concerned.

"Nobody likes being held up at work," he said. "It's not like we've got all day to do things, like some people. We just don't have the staff to deal with people who crap on and on."

Mr Emmerson also said the offender, a long time patron of Suncorp, will be charged with a Branch Services Fee of $A2.50.

There has been no sighting of the man since the alleged hold up. However Carindale police did reveal they had located a 46-year-old woman, possibly the man's wife, who was driving a suspected 'getaway' car.

The woman was summoned to the local station, and is now assisting police with their crossword.

A security guard has been appointed at the bank branch, to ensure customers get to the point and move along.
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Cory Ander is merely a name made up of words that represent the person who goes by that name. Cory Ander, the words, or name, is not Cory Ander, the person. Those words create a simulacra in which the person who is represented by the words ‘Cory’ and ‘Ander’ lives in. His other Wit experience includes being one of the two writers of The Writers - Barrington Veneer and also Woolworths To Venture Into Public Libraries.

PM Proud To Be Associated With "Woody" Wilson

By Jethro Jake
AUSTRALIAN Prime Minister John Howard has applauded himself for winning a United States government award in memory of former US president Woodrow Wilson.

“I’m fantastic,” Mr Howard said. “I have a nice jacket.”

Mr Howard said it was an “honour” to receive the Award for Public Service from the Woodrow Wilson International Centre for Scholars and he was proud to be put up against such a tyrant as Woodrow “Woody” Wilson.

“He was way ahead of his time, in terms of pre-emptive striking, fighting wars in Asia, including Muslims, and aiming for greater power for the American people,” the PM said. “They’re some of my aims now, so being mentioned in the same sentence as Woody Wilson makes me feel tremendously sexy.”

During his term in office, President Woodrow Wilson introduced many progressive acts into the constitution to prevent anti-American and anti-British sentiment; was scared of socialists; and supported the private pro-war and anti-pacifist organisation, the violent American Protective League.

President Wilson was also instrumental in the war that for some reason occurred in the Phillippines and invaded and constantly manipulated the power structures of Mexico, Haiti, Cuba, Panama and Nicaragua for truth, justice and the American way.

Mr Howard said while he admired President Wilson, he was not a racist, a claim that has been levelled and fired repeatedly at the former president since his days in office in 1913-1921.

President Wilson has long been regarded as one of the main reasons behind what many historians say was the worst period of racism in American history, including segregation, suspicion of foreign-sounding people, and support for the pro-Ku Klux Klan movie Birth of a Nation.

“I am not a racist,” PM Howard said. “I want to make that clear. I mean, I love Denzel Washington and I think Sir Garfield Sobers was probably the best cricketer to pull on the pads. Sure Birth of a Nation was racist, but I think (Birth of a Nation) director DW Griffith was a genius, creating much film grammar still used today, despite Godard’s best efforts. Maybe that’s what Woody was talking about.”

Current US President George W Bush couldn’t be bothered giving Prime Minister Howard a congratulations message himself, so he sent a video tape, saying “good on you, little buddy”.

“He (President Bush) is a great man also,” the Prime Minister said. “I mean he wants to spread freedom and build a foundation of peace. How cool is that?”
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Jethro Jake has made a name for himself writing for Wit and its poor cousin Half-Wit with articles such as Young Griffith Man Uses Hair Gel, Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop and AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical. That name is Tom Cringingnut.

Wife Takes Husband's Trousers In Hostile Takeover

By Social Reporter Jasmine Rice

THE future of Bardon husband Mark Mywortz remains unclear today after his shortcomings were exposed yesterday by Rita, his beloved wife of 22 years,.

Mrs Mywortz took a little over a minute to complete a hostile takeover of her husband's semi-beige trousers in which he was worn since their wedding day. Now with the takeover made public, she has also announced plans to privatise the attire and prepare for its full sell-off.

"There are more things to be done in these pants than what is being achieved when worn by Mark,” Mrs Mywortz said. “Selling them off is an wonderful chance to increase our exposure to a wider community and provide better access to my husband overall. This move has been long overdue, which is why they will be cleaned before the sale."

Her husband expressed his concern over the full sell off of trousers, stating any benefits yielded would only be in the short term.

“It is all well and good selling them off at this point in time,” Mr Mywortz said. “But I'm sure come this time next year, it will be clear that the trousers would be missed because first and foremost, my bottom half would be exposed to stiff competition that it may or may not uphold.”

Mr Mywortz also said that despite the possibility of freezing his kahunas off next winter, he was philosophical about the abrupt changing of the guard.

"It makes good matrimonial sense," he said. "I can understand that it gives me an opportunity to outsource and make a profit. Hopefully, then I can tap into a rising tracksuit market."

However, the move has prompted protest from younger clients who see the sell-off as a renunciation of the agreement signed by Mr and Mrs Mywortz.

"In the beginning, Mum and Dad came together as a joint venture, rather than a merger," said daughter and economics student Eta, 20. "I just see it as Mum imperialistically abusing the resources Dad brought to the venture to attract outside competition to satisfy a factional whim. How can Dad do that without any pants on?"

Ms Mywortz also said she feared the sale would prompt her mother to liquidate larger assets, including her father and herself.

"The process has already begun I feel," she said. "I have already been relocated to a university campus to ease the squeeze on the parental sector. I have no home. No roots. Now this."

"Oh, that is nonsense," Mrs Mywortz said in response to her daughter's remarks. "All that has happened is that her bedroom is now my wine cellar. She needs to go to uni. I have invested a great deal into the move."

However, questions relating to the sell-off's impact on the quality of her services in the bush may have been misinterpreted by the 45-year-old mother of one and wife of one.

"You're disgusting. That is disgusting," she said. "I am not even going to dignify that with a reply."

Meanwhile, Senator Barnaby Joyce wasn't sure which way his pants were on, while former PM Malcolm Fraser was unavailable for comment.

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Jasmine Rice is the newest addition to the Wit team. She smells great and tastes nice but not as nice as she smells. Jasmine likes you.

The Writers - Barrington Veneer, Part 2

"The Writers" is a series of interviews with some of Brisbane's more critically and commercially successful authors, screenwriters and poets. The first is spy/thriller novelist Barrington Veneer. For Part 1 of the interview, click here.
By Rosemary Thyme

Barrington was already well into his third whiskey by the time he had finished his second. By this stage, the first had been left until last, as the first shall be last and the last shall be first. I was tiring of his chauvinistic talk and wanted some chauvinistic action, something juicy with which I could nail him to the floor, as all readers love to find out about juicy nails. Barrington has often mocked other writers, particularly the post-modern realists and the critics’ darlings, and I decided to start there.

Rosemary: Should writers give people something to think about, or just entertain and excite imaginations?

Barrington: I think, while… While many people say it’s important to make a statement… First and foremost writing should be about keeping people interested, keeping people entertained. People don’t want to know about reality or the map of the existentiality of man’s existence. It’s about keeping the reader entertained. Taking the reader to a different world – not their real world.

Rosemary: So… Would it be fair to say that you are not a friend of realism?

Barrington: I suppose so… I guess, what I’m really trying to say is people are always talking about stories being real… Finding reality and what’s truth… People are always talking about real stories. And good luck to them… obviously… But then they go and write about a manic depressive junkie drag queen discussing the relative merits of using philosophy in science with a pregnant priest who can’t speak English. That’s not real!

Rosemary: Many people find comfort in reality-based literature, it gives them a form of identity.

Barrington: In my experience - and I have several million copies sold to prove it - people don’t want reality. They want to be entertained.

Rosemary: Well, Angela’s Ashes was a phenomenon, only really eclipsed recently by Harry Potter and The Da Vinci Code--

Barrington: --Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Code? I haven’t read that one.

Rosemary: No, I meant two different books. What I am saying is that Angela’s Ashes was a heavy dose of realism, but people snapped it up quickly.

Barrington: Yeah well, he was Irish… They’re all tortured. Some people like to read pain… Others like to date it. I don’t like either, although I’ve had my fair share of realism. I mean, look at Harry Potter.

Rosemary: You’ve dated Harry Potter?

Barrington: No, although between you and me (winks), I wouldn’t mind having a bash, if you know what I mean. Bit of all right. Ha, ha.

Rosemary: You’d like to date a fictional, teenaged male wizard?

Barrington: JK Rowling. I mean JK Rowling. That’s who I meant, although … I mean… some people might like to date Harry… and good luck to them, he’s a nice young man if you like that sort of thing and pretty good with a wand and a broom, which is handy. Ha, ha. Which...witch.... which is handy. Witch? Get it? HA!

Rosemary: (false laugh) Ha, ha. (shuffles papers) Speaking in a broad, simple way, can you explain how to write a successful book.

Barrington: Well, If you structure it properly, anyone can write a book. Well, not literally, let’s face it some people are pretty crap. I remember reading Men Are From Mars and I just thought “what’s going on here?”. I make a lot of money but that bloke made more money going to the toilet before sitting at the computer.

Rosemary: So what is your secret to a successful novel?

Barrington: Right. Well, you need a story. That helps. You need to be able to have an imagination and prepare to do some research…And you need to be able to read and write so that counts out most of the Third World – most of them can’t even speak English. Ha, ha.

Rosemary: (wincing) Yes…

Barrington: (leaning forward business-like) Look, it’s like getting a woman into bed – you’ve got to go about it the right way otherwise you’ll end up being caught with your pants round your ankles and the only person who will be excited by your work will be you.

Rosemary: What is the right way?

Barrington: Well, you see…

Barrington, blows his nose, swigs a whisky and crosses the room to a whiteboard, whereupon he takes a marker and begins to draw a series of diagrams and tables in an attempt to explain the way he works. The attempt is unsuccessful, but I nod and smile as though it isn’t.

Rosemary: Right.

Keep watching this site for the third and final part of this interview.
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Rosemary Thyme is actually two of Wit’s writers, Cory Ander and Jethro Jake. Their other work can be found here, here, here and here.

The Writers - Barrington Veneer, Part 1

"The Writers" is a series of interviews with some of Brisbane's more critically and commercially successful authors, screenwriters and poets. The first is spy/thriller novelist Barrington Veneer.
By Rosemary Thyme
Barrington Veneer is one of the country’s most successful writers. History history and funny funny. Blah blah worked at Qintex etc and how he started writing after a career change when he was sacked in 1995. With a lifelong interest in the philosophy of sex, guns and espionage, Barrington decided to write about all three. He has now written five bestselling books, starting with Penetration of the White House in 1996 and last year’s Innuendo’s Mistress.

I find him as he is, sitting in his clothes in a room, not unlike the one I am sitting in now, writing as I am and mixing my tenses up. Except it was across the other side of town in a completely different office, namely because it was much more expensively decked out in stylish but ultimately tasteless bric-a-brac, and knick knacks with things stolen from such diverse elements as French aristocracy and the Kath and Kim set after a boozy night out. It was all very post-modern.

I was let in to his office by Maude Saskia, Barrington’s secretary, who also let me in on a little secret – Barrington had a hangover and was busy dispensing with his second glass of whisky upstairs in his flat, before coming down to join me. He joined me in his office a few minutes later, readjusting his private parts in a way that was meant to suggest that he was a man and knew it, but had the opposite effect on me, whatever that means.

“How are you, me mate?” he said and stuck his large plate of meat to greet mine in a handshake, before then offering his actual hand and eating the plate of meat by way of breakfast.

“A real man, eats meat, if you know what I mean,” he said. I didn’t, but I continued smiling regardless. Barrington sat down in a way that said “let’s get down to business”.

“Now, let’s get down to business,” he said. “We know why you’re here, I’ve done interviews before, so hit me.”

Rosemary: I find it best to start at the beginning.

Barrington: I always start at the start. (Chuckles)

Rosemary: (False smile) Indeed. So how did you start writing.

Barrington: Well, let me just say first of all, writing has been my story since page one…ha, ha. I guess you could say.

The man warmed to his favourite topic and leaned back in his chair. It was the last time he did that. The back snapped off and he went sprawling humourously on the ground. Barrington was not hurt but yelled at Maude, saying things like “stupid” and constantly demanded copulation in vulgar language. He explained to me that he had had problems with the chair since the afternoon before, but that the stupid secretary hadn’t ordered a new one yet.

Barrington: [Have sex with me], what do I [in the process of having sex] pay her for? [In the process of having sex] hell.

He at once, and when I mean at once, I mean after about five minutes of continual swearing and swallowing of painkillers, or about four minutes of swearing and one minute of fishing about the nether regions of his clothes looking for painkillers, before collapsing on the couch and looking at me as if to say, “now, where was I?”

Barrington: Now, what was I saying?

Rosemary: Aaagh… (looking through notes) Writing has been your story since page one.

Barrington laughs for about 30 seconds.

Barrington: Oh yeah, oh yeah. That’s right… (wipes tears from his eyes) Well, it was a life decision really. I decided writing was what I wanted to do.

Rosemary: Was this after you were sacked from Qintex?

Barrington: Well, yes but I would have been a writer anyway. It was in my blood.

Rosemary: There is a family history of writing?

Barrington: Well, my father was Irish. He drove a big sports car.

Rosemary: (Deadpan) Right. Was it difficult getting started?

Barrington: Yeah, you had to pull the choke out all the way, and-

Rosemary: -No, in writing.

Barrington: (Relieved) Oh, I see. No, it’s really very simple. All you need is a few simple things… A pen, a way with a phrase, good ideas, some research skills… and a brain.

Rosemary: Well, you have that.

Barrington: That’s right, yes, you’re very right there. It also helps to be attractive, as most publishers and editors these days are women… (quickly) And there’s nothing wrong with that, I say…Nothing wrong with a bit of skirt with some power.

Rosemary: (False smile) Good.
To be continued soon.
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Rosemary Thyme is actually two of Wit’s writers, Cory Ander and Jethro Jake. They were, unfortunately, too ashamed to have their names on this work. Also they were worried about getting sued. Sorry, fellas. Their other work is: Cory Ander - Woolworths To Venture Into Public Libraries; and Jethro Jake - Chef, Hairdresser Fall In Love, Brisbane News Gets Scoop, AC/DC Go All Eastern and Mystical, Young Griffith Man Uses Hair Gel.

Bridge To Brisbane Runs Into Winner Controversy

By Sports Reporter Patrick Stevedore
THE recent Bridge to Brisbane fun run was gripped by controversy today after a dispute emerged over the event's official winner.

Local man Sam Booker was told by the Brisbane City Council, yesterday that his participation in the annual fun run was declared void, after Booker was found in breach of City Council regulations.

"I couldn't believe it. I have only come to terms with it and I wish to now make this public." Booker said. "How can this be a fun run if the bureaucrats take it so seriously? I was humiliated in front of my parents, my friends, my girlfriend, and the bird I am sleeping with."

The race, held on August 7 was awarded to Tanzanian runner Patrick Nyangelo.

The controversy came after Booker finished the race 14 seconds ahead of the eventual winner, when he told a Brisbane News "journalist" he was "home and hosed".

This comment prompted officials to review Booker's particulars.

Upon inspection of his race application, it was revealed Booker house was an odd number and therefore not permitted to use hand held hoses on Sundays. Booker was stripped of his first prize and subsequently fined on the spot.

Premier Peter Beattie, remained aloof over the incident.

"Is this about a public hospital?" he said. "No? Good. See you later."

However, Booker was adamant that he in fact was "bucketed" after his victory.

"I was bucketed with water after the race, which is in the rules," he said. “The 'hosing' was a figure of speech. Surely they know that.”

Deputy Mayor David Hinchcliffe was sympathetic to Booker's plight.

"I see how this was a huge let down for him," Councillor Hinchcliffe said. "He had just run his guts out and then one little slip-up to a ‘journalist’ ruined it all. Surely, Cr Newman, who is short and bald, can see his point of view."

However, the Lord Mayor was unrepentant and said the Council were right in denying Booker glory.

"He might have had a bucket of water thrown on him, yes, but it is still an inappropriate use," Cr Newman said. "The Brisbane City Council had provided thousands of litres of Gatorade at the finish line for supporters and competitors to throw around, and we got it at a competitive retail price."

"Throwing water around is totally out of order, and I blame Mr Hinchcliffe, who is a big poo-poo pants, for this glaring oversight of the race's regulations."

Cr Newman said to avoid a repeat of this incident, the proposed Tunnel Run, due to commence in 2007, will have no water accessible throughout the entire 23km route.

"We all have to be water smart, at work, rest and play," he said.
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Patrick Stevedore was recently lost and now he is found. He was blind and now he can see, was hungry and given two dollars and told to get f**cked. He is also Wit’s regular sports reporter and his other work can be seen by clicking on the next word after ‘word’ serendipity.

Ladies, You Don't Know What You Are Missing Out On

A Personal Touch By JB McGrath
Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on. Here I am 6 foot five. Okay, maybe just 6 foot. But I am hot.

I have legs. Legs that go from my pert buttocks, all the way to the ground. My arms start at my shoulders and go down, right down and dirty, to my hands – hands that long to hold you. I have hips, I have viscera, I have organs. And like all hot men, I have a (well you know what) that is in all the right place. I am hot.

Look at my head (yes, I have a head too – it just gets better!), with a face on it that will make you smile, just as I am smiling now, thinking of you smiling at my smile. I have eyes that look into your soul and nose that knows that you smell so good. Mmmhmmm. That’s good. Hey! Look at my ears, aren’t they great ears! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

Above my face is something I like to call hair. I know you call it hair. Everyone has hair, except for those bald people. I am not bald. But unlike everyone that has hair, I have something no-one else does – and that is that it is my hair. No-one else’s, but mine. Woman, I am hot.

I look after my body well. You would appreciate it if you took the time to get to know me.

I have skin care creams, because I don’t want to look like I age – beware the seven signs of ageing! And I have only three bottles of hair product, because I am a minimalist – I am so cool! Minimalism is cool because it means you don’t care so much about money, because that is so capitalist. Dig? You will love me if you get to know me. Some people say creams and hair product are for women, but I am a man, if you know what I mean, and I like to look good, so why shouldn’t I?

I also work out at the gym. I pump hard while the music pumps harder. Dance. Feel my biceps. They feel good. Do you like them? Come over and see how strong my abs are. Hit me! I can take it! If you don’t want to come near me, you won’t know what you are missing out on. I could crack walnuts between the cheeks of my buttocks, that’s how strong my glutes are. Lovely….

I can cook you any meal that you like, so long as it’s out of this recipe book here. Let’s see, mmmhmmm. Are you a vegetarian? If so, that’s cool. Leftist chicks are hot. You’re hot. So am I. Come and get some. Food that is. Vegan, of course.

We could talk about all sorts of things. Film? You like film? Cool. We could talk about Michael Moore, or Kill Bill or some Iranian director no-one else has heard of and be real cool. How cool is that? You like music? So do I. I like all sorts and I read about them in really cool street mags like Rave and that sort of thing. I listen to Triple J. Do you? That’s all right if you don’t, music isn’t important, so long as you vote for the Greens. Yeah, I am a man with broad views. You talk to me, you will find I am witty, serious and philosophical – you gotta love Nietzsche! He was one heavy dude! And so am I, but more light hearted. And hot.

Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

Editor's Note: If anyone, especially the "ladies" of the title, would like to write a reply, please leave your intentions to do so in the comments or email me if you know the address. It will be published later.
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JB McGrath writes the “A Personal Touch” column for Wit and is fast becoming known as a former friend and associate. He is one of the more prolific writers for Wit and his other pieces include Remembering Young Love and the Joy It Brought and Noam Chomsky's Arse.

Remembering Young Love and the Joy It Brought

A Personal Touch By JB McGrath
GLANCING outside the ample bosom and seeing the world as it is, it’s hard to forget the sadness nakedness of Life Before I Met My Second Girlfriend.

I use visceral capital letters because that period with My Second Girlfriend was one I shan’t forget, no matter how many other lovers I tight jeans have. But sensations that’s another story. This story is of pouty how despair can be can turned around by a simple smile pert.

When you are a teenager horny the world can be a terrible place. Long black hair there is no beauty and not enough truth and we revert to simple pleasures short skirt in order to get through day to ravish day life. Drinking, watching movies voluptuous and television, sport and such pleasures as – for many of my peers – playing video games at Indooroopilly virile Shopping Centre.

But none of these breasts short-term pleasures could take that pain away. That pain that comes when you realise that all is not well fertile in the world. That time when you discover that there are many horrible people in the world and not everything can be solved by a mother’s touch or a father’s playful hands, sensuous throwing the ball in the backyard.

Even love does not solve all moist lips, although we tried and tried again. Until, that is, I met My Last Girlfriend toe-sucking. I still remember the day; she was standing in her university uniform of short skirts, garish stockings, loud shirt and workperson’s boots, sucking her thumb and reading the cover of hip-thrusting a Norman Mailer book. She saw me looking at her, standing with my hands on Portnoy’s Complaint by Philip Roth, and she smiled pelvis for she saw me for who I really was.

“Hello, there caressing fingers,” she said. “Are you a Roth fan?”

I pubic was embarrassed, for I had only picked up the book because I had heard it was a little bit naughty.

“Well,” I said unquenchable lust. “Who isn’t?”

She laughed and orifices said, “That’s all right, I’ve never read Mailer either.” We introduced ourselves, but I thought I had always bouncing known her. She was curvaceous wonderful. Vibrant, sassy, impetuous, sexy, intelligent, hips – in short, just about everything I thought I wasn’t. We went everywhere together cleavage. When we weren’t doing that, we were racking up big hubba-hubba mobile phone bills and my friends loved her almost as much as I did.

It seemed that when sexual I was with her, all the confusion of teenage life evaporated. And those moments we had together, whether it was just walking intercourse in the park, catching a movie, pretending to know all about Fellini in a café while listening to Kind of Blue freaky or just seeing how long it would take for our friends to become discomforted and shuffle their feet while we made out in front of them. Oh, she was wonderful.

We were together for six months and then do-able something happened. Neither of us knew what it bodice-buster was, but we threw it all away. Maybe we grew up and saw there was more rump to the world. I don’t know tender white meat. Primary tenderloin school can be so hard. But I want sirloin to be back there again; sometimes I want to be hurting, naïve and sweet and loving again. Not this bitter old man of T-bone 20 who thinks it’s funny to forget whether it was primary school or high school or some other time that he had his one true parson’s nose love. Oh, last roast beef year seems so long ago. My Last Girlfriend. Good old lamb’s fry nostalgia.

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JB McGrath is a Brisbane academic of love and a very disturbed young man. Please pray for him and his family. His other Wit articles include Noam Chomsky's Arse.

Woolworths To Venture Into Public Libraries

By Produce and Council Reporter Cory Ander
SUPERMARKET giant Woolworths is eyeing Brisbane City Council's public library chain as a possible new branch to its corporate empire.

In a bold move to possibly detract attention away from its troubled Maleny franchise, Woolworths CEO Roger Corbett announced that his company has expressed interest in securing a stake in BCC libraries.

"We have seen the success experienced by small organisations, offering retail services in libraries such as cafes and snack bars. Libraries have embraced this move too as it adds a new dimension to their services," Mr Corbett said.

"Woolworths would be prepared to simply introduce a chain of cafes into Brisbane's City Council's larger libraries, where we would be able to continue to delight customers under the Woolies name in a whole new environment."

Mr Corbett also said Woolworths are prepared to pay Brisbane City Council generously for the use of its facilities, hinting at a figure of around $8m per year for use of its 'hub' libraries at Sunnybank Hills, Carindale, Indooroopilly and Chermside.

Brisbane Lord Mayor Campbell Newman welcomed the prospect of Woolworths doing business with the BCC, with the news coming after Newman's comments regarding the privitisation of council libraries.

"If Woolworths are prepared to take the plunge and provide a service in our libraries, then we will be more than interested." Cr Newman said. "Public libraries themselves everywhere understand the need to adopt retail sector measures to ensure they remain vital and important services in the community."

However, Deputy Mayor David Hinchcliffe expressed concern over this proposal by his “little buddy” Cr Newman.

"Cr Newman has very little hair," he said. “I am concerned in relation to how far Woolworths will go to make themselves at home. I hope we don't reach a point where the books take a back seat to me and it becomes just another trendy book shop.”

However Cr Newman said it was unlikely that the Cr Hinchcliffe’s prediction would come true.

"Besides, Cr Hinchcliffe smells like cabbage,” Cr Newman said. “Mr Corbett has informed me that the extent of the Woolworths venture will stop at the cafe service."

However, when asked Mr Corbett said that the cafes would also provide an oportunity to promote its publications such as Fresh magazine.

"It has been a busy time for Woolworths in Queensland," Mr Corbett said. "We believe this is an excellent chance to consolidate on our interests in liquor and gaming in this state, as well as reassure the public that we are still contributing to the community and its residents."

Despite the announcement, Woolworths shares barely moved in morning trade.
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Cory Ander is Anderson's father and is a Brisbane economologist and writer who spends most of his spare time loitering in his local supermarket, looking for light bulbs and muttering to himself about socialism.