The Writers - Barrington Veneer, Part 3

Wit would like to apologise for the tardiness of the third part of the Barrington Veneer interview, but seeing as hardly anyone reads this blog, it hardly matters."The Writers" is a series of interviews with some of Brisbane's more critically and commercially successful authors, screenwriters and poets. The first is spy/thriller novelist Barrington Veneer. For Part 1 of the interview, click here and for part two click on this link: The Writers - Barrington Veneer, Part 2 .
By Rosemary Thyme

Barrington had shown me his writing techniques at which I was at once intrigued and baffled and finally bored. Then he tried to show me his “little editor”, at which point his secretary Maude, entered the room and scolded Barrington. It was surprising to see the powerful effect Maude had on the author, well known for being a serial dater of gorgeous young women and as a misogynist (insert your favourite expletive). Not to mention a racist and a homophobic and lots of other words ending with “ist” and “phobic”. I questioned him on his reputation.

Barrington: Yeah, I mean I have a lot of respect, a lot of empathy for people from all backgrounds, man, woman, child – it doesn’t matter if you’re black…or…and that, I can empathise them and have respect for them… Even if you’re a towelly-head. Mostly. And that’s the way I write to get those different backgrounds. Not because I am PC – that’s the way life is, people have different backgrounds, different ideologies, however wrong those ideologies might be.

Rosemary: What do you say about women’s rights groups who say you have absolutely no respect for women?

Barrington: I say a lot about the tramps.

Rosemary: Right. What I meant was most of the female characters in your books are extremely attractive, they are not intelligent and all they seem to do is stick their legs in the air and you don’t treat women with respect.

Barrington: Well, people don’t want to read about ugly, fat chicks do they?

Rosemary: (a little shocked) Well--

Barrington: --People like to read about good looking women, and people love sex and what’s wrong with having sex with a good looking woman?

Rosemary: Well, I don’t really know an--

Barrington: (Stroppy) --I mean get a grip of yourself,

Rosemary: (Bemused) Um, pardon?

Barrington: Not literally, of course.

Rosemary: Oh, right.

Barrington: I don’t think these criticisms are warranted. They not giving me a fair go and they should take a look at themselves? Most of them are ugly anyway.

Rosemary: So what do you say to those women out there who say you had no respect for your former wives? I mean after all you have had a domestic violence order taken out on you.

Barrington: Well, that was just one case.

Rosemary: It was actually more than one case.

Barrington: (Getting angry) Okay, fine. So there was more than one case. I did lose my temper with my first wife and I regret it and apologised to her and we’re friends. We still talk – well, not face to face obviously…or on the phone. (More and more frustrated) Look at the situation. I mean look at the situation….I mean ye…ye… (Eruption) How would you like if ………(slams his hand down on the table) SHE WAS CHEATING! THE STUPID BITCH WAS CHEATING ON ME!

Rosemary: (finally disgusted) And you never cheated on her?

Barrington: (Angry and frustrated, but recovering) Look, this is irrelevant? I don’t have to take this shit. MAUDE!

At this point, Barrington rose to his feet and, being careful not to spill his whisky, ran from the room, closing the door with such force that an award fell off the wall. Maude entered the room and stared at me looking officious and certain.

“Um, Mr Veneer won’t be taking anyone questions for now,” said Maude.

“Okay,” I said, unsure of how I should react. “Um...is he alright?”

She merely smiled and winked, patting her purse, chockas full as it was with reasons to put up with the arrogant twat. I had had enough and it seemed the interview was over, so turned off my tape recorder and left the establishment that been the kiln of dozen offensive best-sellers. It was one of those times, it was one of those times.
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Rosemary Thyme is actually two of Wit’s writers, Cory Ander and Jethro Jake. Their other work can be found here, here, here and here.

I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony

A Personal Touch by JB McGrath
IT seems to me like every day you hear about how some new intolerance or violence is cropping up somewhere across the world. Whether it be over which one of Wet Wet Wet’s albums to listen to; who put the cheese in my gun?; or which one of you Westerners wants to imperialise my othered arse? There’s always someone having a go at another.

Some people say it is because each race considers itself superior to others. Some people say that race doesn’t exist, but cultural differences cause us to misrepresent other cultures through our own essentialising ideas of existence. Some people say we just want power over others. Some people say, get those evil ones out, they are jealous of our freedom and want to spread hatred across our promised land. I say, you are all missing something.

You know what I am waiting for? I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Yeah! That’s right! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

Think about it. We all come from different climates, different geographical locations, different cultures. We speak different languages, eat different food, have different histories and customs. The differences in our culture are so complex, we just can’t cross that divide to understand each other.

That’s why I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Listen to me, I know what I am talking about! Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

Okay, let’s be serious.

Oppression will be the name of the game. Those aliens, hideous disgusting things with bad manners and drool. Those amoral creatures with natural mullets and ridiculous languages. They will round us up and set us to work gathering sheaves of wheat or spare car parts or treating us like their human sex slaves, making us massage their pustules of love with our bare hands.

They will beat us into submission, making us work harder than before, taking away everything that is meaningful in our lives.

There will be no time or energy for imbibing alcohol, watching plays, smoking joints, uluating or throwing our hands in the air and waving them around like we just don’t care. There will be no place for vanity, for mornings at the hairdresser, for evenings at the gym, for Saturdays at the mall. There will be no music or smiles, or afternoon wiles.

They will force us to take our religions, our beliefs and our cultures underground to be played out in simple games and small conversations in disease infested trenches. We will be stripped of our dignity, our culture, our clothes and our identity.

We will stand naked before each other and we will see ourselves in the faces of our fellow humans. Everything we knew before will have to change. Everything we held dear, everything important to us must be tossed in the sewer pits. Along with the excrement of aliens shall be the relics of humanity.

After thousands of years, we shall have a shared oppression. A shared past. Shared customs, shared dreams. We shall rise as one culture and we shall cast the aliens back into space. Then we can live in harmony.

That’s why I can’t wait for the aliens from outer space to attack so we can all live in harmony. Ladies, you don’t know what you are missing out on.

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This is JB McGrath’s first article for Wit since his inspiring Ladies, You Don't Know What You Are Missing Out On, in which he urged the female folk of the world to consider him worthy enough to be CENSORED on his pert, little CENSORED. Since then he spent some time hanging around cafés with his rollneck jumper tied around his shoulders and smoking tiny cigarettes or checking his email inbox for news of imminent seduction. He recently gave up.

Shifty Appearance? Foreign Looking? Watch out… Australia’s New Terrorism Laws

By Jethro Jake
UNDER new terrorism laws drafted by the Federal Government, Federal Police will be allowed to shoot and kill people of shifty or foreign appearance and then detain them for as long as they bloody well like.

Prime Minister John Howard was going to unveil plans at a doorstop press conference outside Parliament House but after seeing a gentleman of light brown skin in the press corps, plans were changed.

The man was asked to leave, but as the new laws had not been passed, Mr Howard was unable to detain him and instead gave the press conference with armed defence force personnel surrounding him on the HMAS Bang Bang, wearing several layers of kevlar and a foolish grin.

Mr Howard received questions from journalists positioned on a lower deck interacting with the Prime Minister by a video link and surrounded by more armed defence force personnel for "just in case".

“Anyone that looks a bit foreign, we need to detain,” said Mr Howard. “We can’t risk anything at all. It would be best if no-one actually ventured outside of their homes as well, unless they are rich, white and beautiful, like me.”

Mr Howard then peeled off his kevlar, revealing a perfect lily white body, with a muscular figure that left the press corps gasping in astonishment and admiration.

Fortunately Mr Howard put the Kevlar back on but not before one journalist fainted and was carried off by navy medics who said words like “clear”, “stat” and “gee, I’m not gay, but the PM looks hot”.

“We also need to make sure no shifty looking people are on the streets,” Mr Howard said, returning his helmet to his gleaming head. “I don’t want this to be a police state, but… Oh, and also, we don’t any foreigners in our police or armed forces, or... well, anywhere.”

“Basically, if you see a suspicious looking person, we suggest you beat the living infidelities out of them. Do your job as Australians. Be alert, not alarmed, but be bloody well armed.”

Mr Howard said terrorism had to be stopped and while the world’s inhabitants had been killing each other since the start of human existence, the current situation was “more important”.

“Let’s face it, all those other battles you’re talking about were between foreigners and the like, I am not counting the American or English conquests as they were for the good,” Mr Howard said. “Many people don’t understand that when we say ‘foreign’ and ‘terrorists’, we actually mean ‘non-American’ and ‘people who kill Americans and their friends'. You have to have a definition of morality and what’s proper.”

However, Mr Howard said if state governments did not sign an agreement to maintain these proposed laws, he would personally “come round and bust a cap in yo ass”, unless the premiers were shifty of appearance or foreign-looking and then he would stuff them in the slammer, “just to soften them up” and then “come round and bust a cap in yo ass”.

“Man, that will CENSORED them around,” Mr Howard said before adding seriously. “Look, it’s like this…they – I mean foreign people – undermine our way of life, by showing there’s another possible way and by refusing to give in to our obvious dominance.”

“You know some of them even think they know better than us. And they look so funny with their funny clothes and strange accents, you have to laugh ha, ha – some of them don’t even speak English... But I like their food. Mmm. Yum.”

When asked if the Prime Minister knew of Emmanuel Levinas’ philosophies on representation of “the other” or of the “unknowable”, he answered confidently and assuredly.

“I know he was a Jew,” said the PM and laughed uproariously, before ordering the arrest of a journalist with a funny accent, who had been annoying him with her obvious otherness earlier in the press conference.

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Jethro Jake is an angry young man. He thinks he is a left-wing liberal. He is also very silly – see Soft Seller Accused of Tainted Love and follow the links at the bottom for more Wit articles.

Fashion Police Set Me Up: Big Bro Host Killeen Over

By Wit Fashion Guru Hugh Ever
TELEVISION "personality" host Gretel Killeen was charged yesterday with attirical atrocities after Sydney fashion investigators found her at the helm of an aesthetical terrorist syndicate.

It is alleged Ms Killeen was the mastermind behind a line of "explosive and dynamic" fashionwear, that was set to hit retail and boutique fashion outlets simultaneously on September 12.

Investigators made contact with the Big Brother host via an online chat session, after allegedly receiving a tip off from former Big Brother contestant, Merlin Luck, famous for his on-air silent protest for detained refugees.

But the 40-50 year old Ms Killeen said she was dismayed at the events that had taken place.

"I can't believe this nonsense," she said. "I am so furious, even though the botox won't let me express this, but I'm not happy."

Killeen's lawyer, Hotman Paris Hutapea told Wit he was confident that his client would be cleared of the allegations.

"I like her clothes. I even borrow some of her stuff from time to time," Hutapea said. "She wears better gear than my other client, what's her name, um, Shirelle Colby…I'm sorry, it's Shirelle Comby. No wonder she tried to sack me."

Sydney fashion police Sergeant Goldie Brown said they had kept a close eye on Killeen over the last six months.

"We really haven't missed a beat with Gretel in our inviestigation this year," he said. "We all really though Tim was a certainty but I suppose you could never write those Bogan twins. It was unbelievable."

"But we had received information from external sources that Ms Killeen was part of a more sinister venture outside the Big Brother program."

Sgt Brown also confirmed he did receive inside information from former housemate Merlin, who said he received a copy of a flyer promoting the launch of Killeen's production line, and was alarmed at what it said.

"I couldn't help but notice what it (the flyer) said," he said. "It said that the clothes were 'explosive' and destined to 'rock your world'. The fashion line was called 'Killer' not to mention Gretel also has 'kill' in her last name. The launch was going to be at a place called Target, which speaks for itself. The flyer also said, that the gear was set to 'fly into shops on September 12, which was the date in Australia when the World Trace Centre went down. It was really frightening."

Despite Merlin's revelations, Sgt Brown said his findings were not definitive in tracing down Killeen.

"We just ignored Merlin," he said. "I don't know what the hell he was on about. We just took heed of about ten thousand complaints about what Ms Killeen was wearing. We will hold her for up to 48 hours without charge, of course, mainly because we can."

Killeen is currently being kept in solitary confinement within the Big Brother house, and is currently assisting police with their wardrobe. The Australian Fashion Intelligence Office (AFIO) have also allegedly included television personalities, Kerri-Anne Kennerley, Tonya Todman and Lavinia Nixon on their asthetical terror list.
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Hugh Ever is Wit's fashion guru and likes to mix that which everyone says to avoid (no, not rum and vodka) - fashion and philosophy. Hugh is currently working on his vaguely researched book [Mis]Representations of the Fashion of the Other.

Soft Seller Accused of Tainted Love

By Jethro Jake
GENTLE, persuasive advertising representative and celebrity Brisbane socialite for online magazine Wit Jonathon Hair-Raising Experiences has been taken to court by his fiancée, accused of tainting their love.

Mr Hair-Raising Experiences has been sued for breaches of confidence by his ex-fiancée, Jenna Rall.

Ms Rall said she and Jonathon had been love’s young dream – “pure, warm and fresh” - but now she has kicked the bucket on the relationship and taken her former lover to court.

The recent actions at a party by Mr Hair-Raising Experiences left Ms Rall wishing the couple had homogenised their love, but the wedding had been put to pasture several times.

“Our time in the sun went on for too long,” she said. “Now I have a sour taste in my mouth. He has tainted our love, just like the song.”

Ms Rall, a New York resident and heir to a jewellery fortune, met Mr Hair-Raising Experiences when she was on holiday in Australia and mooved here to be closer to him.

At a recent party, she discovered Mr Hair-Raising Experiences had been having a sexual relationship with “an udder woman”.

“I now know who it was, silly old cow, she thinks she’s got the bull by the horns, but the grass is always greener on the other side,” Ms Rall said. “I had begun to suspect he didn’t love me at some stage, and he was just in it for the money – I think he was trying to milk me for all I was worth. Now I’m going to cream that bastard in court.”

Mr Hair-Raising Experiences said he felt “cheesed off” at the court case, but he was not going to let it steer him away from his life goal, which was to get rich.

“It’s a load of bull, the whole thing,” he said. “There is no whey she could win this case. I see it as a cattle-ist to a new life.”

Ms Rall was branded a liar by Mr Hair-Raising Experiences, who said she was going to be in for a rough time.

“It’s going to be rough,” he said. “She’s going to need a strong stomach, perhaps five. She thinks butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but she’s got another thing coming.”

The court case continues in a public trial until the end of National Dairy Week, which starts on Monday.

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This is possibly the silliest thing Jethro Jake has written for Wit. He has already been taken out the back and given a good CENSORED. However, if you would like to see his other recent articles, try clicking on these five random words –obsequious, running, Derrida, Scottish and the. You will notice there is no mention of anyone being "horny" in the article...Apart from there.